You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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