I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
