My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
