she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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