Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
