I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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