It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Randomize
