I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
false alarm, still single
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
