hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
