walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
