Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Randomize
