just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
