i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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