I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
