My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
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