I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize