the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
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