sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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