I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize
