you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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