I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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