I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
