I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
