Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
the day after is always just damage control
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
