He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Randomize
