I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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