I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Holy sore nipples Batman
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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