Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
