his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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