she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize