she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
