Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
i now understand why vodka
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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