Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
