I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
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