even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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