If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
he just fucked me for my cheese.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
