is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Randomize
