I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize