There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
