Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
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