how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
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