woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I think I have vodka in my lungs
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize