Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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