So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
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