DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
