I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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