Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
