i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Randomize
