i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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