Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
