Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
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