Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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