I hope my margaritas pass through security.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
