right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
