We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
