I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
