I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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